I tried to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes because boys don't cry
My father just called me and explained how he would like to get to know me better and spend time with one another. Lately he has been doing this often but I can’t help but to be hesitant because of the fact that from about ages 12 – 20 he has ignored me.
When these calls from him spring up I instantly wonder what his ulterior motives are. It seems like sub consciously I always have my guard up with him or any of my other family members because of how they have treated me in the past. Although I may never show it on the exterior, I am a sensitive person.
However, through out the years of being hurt and ridiculed by others I have learned to just shrug everything off and not think twice about it. This has resulted in my friends making me the butt of many jokes thinking that I am not fazed by any of it. Most of the time I am not, but sometimes I am and inside it does hurt. Because of my often apathetic views when it comes to being ridiculed I have led myself to believe that no one wants to hear my problems, worries or concerns, no one cares, and that I have absolutely no right to be hurt or sad about anything because there are people in third world countries that have it much worse than I do and are still thankful for each day they have above ground and that my few moments of self pity would be 100% absolutely selfish.
Although it is somewhat of a masochistic mentality, it’s what has helped me keep my head above water, keep a positive attitude towards most, if not all things life has thrown at me, and has helped me become a much more considerate person. On the other hand, it has also hindered to certain aspects in my life and has often made me think that in fact no one actually does care to hear what I have to say and I should just keep to myself, have a strong exterior, and never let anyone know how I truly feel.
It’s somewhat of a “Catch 22” because although these exact views have enriched my life and character so much, they’ve also diminished my personal sense of self worth.
Slowly but surely I am beginning to realize that yes, I am indeed entitled to have feelings and be sad about something for a few hours and let it go, and that no, if something/someone does bother me, or hurt me I shouldn’t just tuck it away and completely dismiss and disregard the fact that I am a human and am allowed to have feelings.
